Dating Mistakes That Could Lead to a Messy Relationship from Dating Mistakes That Could Lead to a Messy Relationship
Dating Mistakes That Could Lead to a Messy Relationship
Dating Mistakes That Could Lead to a Messy Relationship
Whether it is your first or fifth date it is important to remember that what you do and how you act sets the tone for the relationship to come.
First and foremost, never lose sight of who you are and always remember to be yourself. “If those first few dates result in a relationship, your partner is going to expect the person they first met,” says Noni Ayana, relationship expert and principal consultant at E.R.I.S. Consulting LLC. Do yourself a favor and just be you, don’t change your personality and compromise who you are to please anyone.
Avoid a messy relationship by taking things slow. This means that instead of dating for marriage, you date to get to know the person. Don’t introduce them to your family too soon, and don’t immediately expect monogamy.
Dating for marriage
“Date as if you're making a potential new friend, not a potential spouse,” Ayana says. “People are likely to be more truthful once their defenses are down; similar to how we are when we're with friends.”
“People in new relationships often feel they need to adapt their own personality in some way to suit what they think their love interest wants,” says Joanna Fishman, Director of Associated Relationship & Marriage Counsellors Sydney. This is usually the case if a person lacks self-esteem or blames themselves for a previous relationship breakdown. “Unfortunately, over-compromising starts a relationship off on an unbalanced and inauthentic footing – and risks the individual losing their sense of self within the relationship, which never serves long term relationship success,” she adds.
Immediately expecting monogamy
“Why expect exclusivity from someone you just met? That's what marriage is for,” Ayana says.
Introducing family too early
“Take some time to get to know each other first,” Ayana says. “Imagine the pressure your date may feel when introducing them to loved ones with high expectations and dismissive attitudes.”
Ignoring red flags
“Our counsellors often find that their clients, in a desperate attempt to hold on to their relationship, have missed or ignored many of the subtle (and not-so-subtle) signs which suggest incompatibility, and/or future conflict,” Fishman explains. “Whilst it’s probably not a good idea to jump to Seinfeld-style conclusions about what is wrong with your partner, it is important to address potential conflicts early in the relationship with honesty and with assertiveness.”
Living by the social clock
“Developing healthy and fulfilling relationships should be more important than meeting the status quo,” Ayana says.
Talking about yourself too much
“This can send the message that you are more interested in yourself than in the relationship,” Fishman says. “Whilst it’s important to share of yourself, it is also important to ask questions and show genuine interest in your partner.” Their counsellors always report that good listening skills are vital to a successful relationship, she adds.
Don't forget your friends and your hobbies
“New couples are commonly super enthusiastic about each other, and love doing everything as a couple,” Fishman says. “Whilst this helps to form connectivity and intimacy, it also runs the risk of losing independence and individualism – both incredibly important factors to maintaining a healthy relationship into the future.”
Many people use this strategy as a way to protect their ego. “When it comes to dating, everyone, on some level, fears rejection,” Fishman says. “Playing it cool and not getting too involved may make a person feel safe, but risks coming across as aloof or remote, and damaging their chance for real intimacy in the future.”
Not being honest with your online dating profile picture
You’re anxious enough to go on your first date, but to make matters worse, the person you’re meeting thinks you look completely different – your online picture does not resemble you well. “This shows your date that you are not being truthful in who you are, and suggests the details in your profile could be stretching the truth as well,“ says John Musumeci, certified Life Coach. “Let’s not forget the look on your date’s face when the Kim Kardashian doppleganger they’re expecting isn’t what walks through the door.”
Over indulging in alcohol
“Drinking too much to feel relaxed on the date will signal to the other that you are uncomfortable being in their presence or that you’re insecure,” Musumeci says. This can be a big turn off, as your date will probably be thinking two things: “You are using alcohol to get through the date or you have a drinking problem.” Either way the chance of a second date even if you are interested would be low, he adds.
Not reading the signals that your date is interested in you
Especially on the first date, it is important to learn to read the signals of the opposite sex. How else will you know if they are interested in you? “Signs could be a playful touch, eye contact or indicating they’d like there to be a next date,” Musumeci says. “It’s disheartening for your date if they are trying to flirt with you and show you they are interested, and you’re not responding.” This could send a sign that you’re going to be hard work.
Talking about your ex too much
Yes, you may still be friends, and while that is okay, you should avoid talking about the person you used to be serious with to the person that you are trying to build something new with. “Avoid running through your previous relationships and why you break up and how,” Musumeci says. “This can show your date that you are still not over your ex-partner as you are still talking about him.”